Natalie Rizqallah, BSN, RN, CMSRN
Natalie Rizqallah wrote, "Having an eating disorder was further complicated by my
self-perceived moral responsibility as a nurse. I felt like an imposter as a
nurse, educating about healthy habits, asking for help, and mental and physical
health, and battling first anorexia, then bulimia in private. Over the years, I
have been on multiple diets because of my desire to look like the images I was
seeing on TV and on social media. Despite knowing these images were digitally
altered and literally unattainable, I still felt cultural pressure to be thin
and was convinced of this need by deceptive messaging and advertising. I
somehow felt less than or not enough when I could not conform to the strict
rules of each diet I tried which just worsened my self esteem and self image
and I would start the cycle over and look for a new diet."
"Every part of my life had been infiltrated by the eating
disorder. It has only been recently after I’ve started working with a dietitian
that I truly understood how skilled I was (and sometimes still am) at manipulating
myself. I justified and rationalized all of the reasons I couldn’t have certain
meals or eat specific amounts of food. Which is why I found myself literally
crying when the dietitian asked me to eat something. I cried. I found myself
constantly asking her how I could know what was right and healthy for my
patients but struggled so much to do the same for myself."
"Recovery is expensive. I don’t take for granted that I can
afford to see a dietitian, therapist, psychiatrist, and primary care physician.
But the alternative is the costs of continuously tearing your body apart and
ending up in the physician’s office and the therapist seeking repair. Eating
disorders can impact and invade every relationship in your life, your family,
and your job if you let them. They steal your energy, sleep, and rob you of joy
and living a fulfilling life. Recovery should not be a luxury or privilege, but
I am grateful for the chance. The hardest part of recovery is trusting the
healthy voice and the “experts” and simultaneously ignoring the disordered
voice in your head that has been telling you all the reasons it was right for
so many years. My recovery has reminded me what a gift it is to work as a nurse
and help those who are seeking help and trusting us to help them. I am proud to
be a nurse AND recovering from an eating disorder."
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Cheers!
Donna
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